New Guidelines
for Employees
1. DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to
work dressed according to your salary. If we see you
wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci
bag we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise.
2. SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor
statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to
the doctor, you are able to come to work.
3. SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As
long as you are an employee here, you need all your
organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a
breach of employment.
4. PERSONAL
DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104
personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and
Sundays.
5. VACATION
DAYS:
All employees will take their
vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days
are as follows: January 1, July 4, and December 25.
6. BEREAVEMENT
LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing
work. There is nothing you can do for deceased friends,
relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We
will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your work
is done.
7. OUT FROM
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an
excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as
it is your duty to train your replacement.
8. RESTROOM
USE:
Entirely too much time is being
spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the
practice of going once each day, in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A'
will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with
'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable
to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in
writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and
the stall door will open.
9. LUNCH
BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for
lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look
healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
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