The Worst
Excuses for Being Late for Work
- "Actually,
I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy
-- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting
for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."
- "I keep
forgetting which side of the International
Date Line you're on."
- "We're *open*
on Tuesdays?!?"
- "It took
this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level
down to the legal driving limit."
- "I had to
take extra time this morning to wrestle with
overwhelming aggressive impulses by
reassuring myself that nothing would happen
today that would push me over the edge."
- "My
proctologist got stuck."
- "It was
Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so
I've spent the last hour swimming."
- "I'm late
because I was on the phone trying to get *your*
lousy shipping department to send the
company's office supplies directly to the
winner of my eBay auction."
- "Hey, time
becomes meaningless when you're as strung out
on crystal meth as I am."
- "Sorry,
Sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end
job, a windowless office and a humorless
baboon for a boss."
- "Heidi
Klum refused to untie me."
- "On the
second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique
man comes by to fill the drum for my home
supply of industrial-strength anti-canker
sore gel."
- "I'm
sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you --
uh -- this box of ten donuts."
- "It took
me a little longer than normal to hide my
disdain this morning... Sir."
- "My dog
ate my presentation, sir. And by 'my dog' I
mean your wife, and by 'ate my presentation'
I mean 'was boinking me'."
- "These are
not the 'droids you're looking for."
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