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A Pathetically Honest Resume

OBJECTIVE:	To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION:	School: Very Expensive Major: Not Important GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT:	NETWORK MANAGEMENT     (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages. DEBT CONSOLIDATION     (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father. RESIDENT INHALER     (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS:	*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method
HONORS AND AWARDS:	*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.