"My intensity
and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my
ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education:
Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science,
curses in accounting."
"Instrumental
in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal:
Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an
excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid
typist."
"Created a new
market for pigs by processing, advertising and
selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to
German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
"Proven ability
to track down and correct errors."
"Personal
interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become
completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and
absolutely no one."
"References:
None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths:
Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the
comments of my former employer too seriously, they
were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to
be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
"I
procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to
my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications:
No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5
billion in assets."
"Accomplishments:
Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive
background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
I demand a salary
commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word
Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
Received a plague
for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving
last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible
for two (2) failed financial institutions.
It's best for
employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you
can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to
be Head Honcho in no time.
Am a perfectionist
and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my
mom until she decided to move.
Failed bar exam with
relatively high grades.
Marital status:
single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
Commitments.
Note: Please don't
miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never
quit a job.
Marital status:
often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving
last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under
those conditions.
The company made me
a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in
my class of ten.
References: None.
I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Cover letter: "Thank
you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you
shorty!"
